For the last many years, whenever someone asks me to give one word that describes who I am, I’d answer seeker. I’ll still stand by it but the sense in which I use the word is different today than it was years ago.
I’ve been on a personal quest …
to know more all my adoloscent and adult years. I had this thirst for knowledge – I’d devour books, I’d absorb everything I can observe from people and situations around me, I’d feel every emotion in the room, I’d ruminate and drive myself up against the wall with introspection, questioning every belief, thought, feeling. The hunger was real as a seeker. I had a burning desire to know. The conviction that once I know all there is to know, this void I carry in me will be satiated once and for all. That once I know enough, this thirst will be quenched, this suffering I endure today will be over once and for all.
I sought from a place of inadequacy, lack, insufficiency. I sought to escape. I sought to seek solace from the emptiness I felt when I wasn’t seeking. I sought to avoid the feeling of worthlessness I’d otherwise confront if I sat still instead of go out seeking for more.
But I had it all wrong and it had to do with 2 words – The problem and The obvious solution.
Did you know both words are from root words that mean the same thing – “right in front of you”
Problem is a greek word that literally translates to “thing put forward,” from the root words proballein “propose,” from pro “forward.” And obvious is a latin word obvius that translates to “that which is in the way, presenting itself readily, open, exposed, commonplace.”
I thought the problem was the emptyness and the obvious solution was to seek. To know more, learn more, and then feel quenched.
I did more. I read books after books from the greatest minds. From Jiddu Krishnamurti to Osho to Sadhguru to Eckhart Tolle to Lao Tzu and Pema Chodron. I read till all the words mashed up into a mass of confusion in my head. I delved deep into the scriptures, Vedanta, Yoga Sutras, name it and got lost in between the lines. I learned to practice yoga and meditate in bits and pieces I stitched together from one online course after another. I practiced and meditated. Had breakthroughs and then got stuck in them for good. I thought a teacher training program will help me delve deeper into yoga. It did, but that didn’t solve for weariness my soul felt from all the seeking, striving, and reaching out for more. The more I ran like the hamster on a wheel, the more what I sought so desperately felt out of grasp. I was always only almost there.
Until one day I laughingly realised how I’d gotten the whole thing wrong.
Osho says this beautifully.
He says, enlightenment is becoming aware of the obvious. When we become aware of the obvious the problem disappears.
The problem was the incessant seeking when the obvious was right in front of my nose, in the emptiness,…
in the stillness, in the ordinary moments, in the simple act of inhalation and exhalation, in the simple act of writing this very word and putting it out there, in the witnessing. I wore myself out trying to seek more because I sought the wrong thing at the wrong places. I was looking far when I should have been looking nearer to where I was. I was looking outside of me where as the answers were within me. I was looking for the treasure through my doing whereas it lay buried deep in my being. I was looking to fill a void whereas I only had to move the veil of the void and discover the richness and fullness of who I am and who I could be right within. I was looking hoping to find the answers someday in the future, where the wisdom was here and now for me to behold if I chose. So I chose to reach out for the treasure that lay right in front of my nose, not with fear or inadequacy but with joy and all of my heart because it was always mine to claim.
I still seek, but this time in the right places with the right reasons.
I seek with a heart full of miracle and wonder not far in the mountains but right here in the every day moments of ordinary life. I seek effortlessly for all I need to do is be alert, be a total witness wherever I am, whatever I am doing. I seek not to quench an unsatiable thirst but simply to revel in the glories of this creation. I seek not to know more but to experience more and expand the very limits of the equipments I weild – the body, mind, and intellect. I seek to deepen my experience of the here and now. I seek to share the bliss I experience deep within my bones. I seek so others can claim what I could, and so many others could by simply being a witness right here and right now. I seek because I’m blessed to seek. I seek because I’m most blissful when I spend my energies comprehending the magnificence of this existence we call life.
I’m still a seeker for there is no end to it. The more we seek, the more we understand, and the more there is to unravel. And if you are a seeker too – the first kind, the in between kind, or of the second kind too- watch out for this space. I plan to share the many things I’ve learned through my rollercoaster journey on life and living as a series of short posts, blogs, and essays so that we can make our path through the abyss together.
Im not making promises of how frequently I write because that’s a rut this hamster simply won’t run into any more. But I promise to make it worth your while and time everytime I write her. I promise to give you food for thought to munch on, but the reflecting and the introspection is for you to do to gain the most out of it.
I’m excited to embark on this journey with you. Let us begin!