The need for Validation – A vicious cycle
Being the social animals we are, seeking approval or validation of our actions comes naturally to us.
From our childhood, our lives are centered around gaining approval from parents, grandparents, aunts, and relatives. As we grew up it became teachers, professors, and peer groups. Eventually, it changed to bosses, mentors, and colleagues. And now with social media, it’s more pervasive and prevalent. Life is now determined by the number of likes, shares, follows, subscribers, and whatever there is next to come in line.
There is no harm in seeking validation per se, we all love a pat on our back which tells us it was a good job. Self-esteem is one of the important needs in Maslow’s Hierarchy. But the problem starts when we begin relying on external validation to the extent that it defines our identity, and determines our worth. This becomes vicious for several reasons-
1- We constantly start seeking attention as an obsession, as our self-worth is linked to it.
2- It becomes harder to get by when that validation does not come through.
3- It makes us desperate very quickly as we measure our progress merely on how we are viewed by others.
We move away from authenticity to do things that will be liked, appreciated and cherished. And in this process, we lose our originality.
So, how can we stop this loop?
Be your own Realistic Cheerleader
For starters, we can appreciate ourselves for the achievement we make, no matter how small. We can learn to pat our own back if we get something right. Rather than being a harsh critic to ourselves, we can be our own realistic cheerleader.
We can measure our progress objectively, and find joy in the small milestones we cross. Self-love and acceptance are the most effective things to keep in mind. We need to remind ourselves every day that we are good, and this should be done in the manner that we actually believe it.
Setting the bar high
Second, let us learn to disassociate self- worth from external sources. This can be achieved by keeping higher standards for oneself. Measuring the progress from where we started can help us measure progress while working towards improving the trajectory.
By following a purpose beyond external validation, we take away the power we give it. Instead, our motivation to keep going is driven by our own purpose.
Seek validation only from Well-wishers
Finally, if we must seek external validation, we should go ahead, but making sure we don’t let it define us. It’s best to seek validation from friends, family, mentors, or well-wishers who have the best interest for us, rather than seeking it from a passerby in our life.
We must only have a handful of people who can criticize us. Given this privilege, we should seek their advice and take the best out of it.
“Don’t let anyone ever dull your sparkle.”
Remember self-worth comes from our own path of personal growth, irrespective of the opinions around us. Learning to accept where we are and independently measuring our path forward without any judgment, will help us reduce the addiction from seeking constant approval or external validation. It does not have to change drastically, strive for balance, and gradually become more self-reliant.
Expect more from yourself than from others.