Hello and welcome back to Being Meraklis – A podcast by Shwetha Sivaraman.
Last week was phenomenal for us. The podcast was featured in Fresh and Trending on Hubhopper and we also crossed 1K listens. I never imagined any scale out of this endeavor, and sometimes still pinch myself everytime I get messages from listeners about how they loved the episode, or of how it made someone’s morning. I cannot convey how grateful I am for all the love I have received through this journey, and I hope I can continue to give some perspective to life through each episode in this podcast.
Today I want to speak about Standing up for yourself.
Standing up for yourself sounds a bit harsh, maybe even a little selfish or aggressive, as though standing up for yourself means putting down somebody else. But that is far from the truth. Standing up for yourself is being assertive – its maintaining your personal dignity, respecting your self and your boundaries and demonstrates confidence.
More often than not, we all chose not to stand up for ourselves. We would rather play nice than confront situations where we are not being treated right. We let others use us, disrespect us, lie to us, because anything can be endured, except conflict. Oftentimes in this undue pressure of being liked, we compromise integrity, things we believe in, and we allow people to walk all over us instead.
Because it is easier to go with the flow. “Chalta hai”, every disappointment, every hurt, every betrayal, every annoyance is swept under the rug of sab Chalta hai. But it slowly diminishes our self-worth, we feel defeated every time an act against our preference occurs.
Eventually, you start to question if maybe this is how I should be treated.
Self-doubt is the first reaction that happens in this spiral. Maybe I am not worth remembering, May be my preferences do not really matter, May be I did not make my expectations clear.
Every time we refrain from making our thoughts and desires clear, it diminishes us a little. Every single time we let people walk all over us costs us more than we think. If you have a problem with how you are being treated, and don’t say it – it leads to a passive aggressive behavior.
When you accommodate everyone in your life you eventually snap because you’ve been holding the angst in for so long. Letting people walk all over you can cause anxiety and stress- you worry every time you need to talk to them cause you know it affects you. The way you are being treated causes irritation and every time you don’t stand up for yourself, your confidence takes another big dent.
If it’s an individual causing you this distress, you avoid the person like the plague cause it’s easier to avoid than confront. And even if you do meet, your conversations are fake and come from a less authentic places cause there is no place for genuine emotions to manifest. This loop again creates a conflict within you.
And when the conflict becomes too much within you, you end up snapping or becoming aggressive. You let it out more vociferously than needed because you are letting out months or years of frustration and that comes out all wrong. Suddenly your aggressive outburst victimizes them and they feel like they have been wronged by you which is very difficult to recover from.
However, sometimes our hurt may not stem from other’s actions, but our own insecurities. Think about some of the social interactions that have left a bad taste in your mouth. What exactly made you feel bad about yourself in that moment? Was it what the other person said, how they behaved, how you reacted, or how you felt? Did they attack a nerve that is already weak – if so by what? Is it something that happened now or something that happened 7 years ago? To stand up for yourself in the right way needs a lot of introspection to be sure of what exactly causes the angst.
Once you are clear what is hurting you, see the exact issue from the other person’s perspective. Is there another side to why this is justifiable in their minds?
This does not necessarily mean that it should be acceptable to you. Not at all, what affects you remains so irrespective. However, understanding the other person’s perspective helps you stand up for yourself more confidently. By understanding what the other person’s motives or desires are, you can be sure to assert yourself reasonably.
Standing up for yourself might make you unpopular, but it can help you hold yourself on better footing to take charge of your life and that is more important. You can be respected even if you are not liked and that is who you need to be.
Standing up for yourself needs practice. Show up for yourself every time. Be authentic, if you are not a fan of what is happening, say something.
Ensure you are heard and heard right. Be deliberate in verbalizing how exactly it affects you and how you think it would work better.
Don’t be apologetic. In this process of standing up for yourself, you can feel the need to say sorry for something which should have been the norm instead. So do not apologize. Hear their defense out but stick to what you believe is right for you, what you decided is necessary after your elaborate self-introspection. Do not settle in this process.
If possible, don’t just point the issue. if it’s a relationship you need to work, come up with a solution where it works for both of you.
Life is too short to be liked by every passer by – but to have a working relationship all you need is mutual respect. Keep emotions such as like for personal relationships, for the inner circle and not for every pass by. Do not value your worth based on how others perceive it.
Standing up for yourself is about finding that balance
Be assertive – never too accommodating or overly defensive – either way kills relationships.
Stand up for what is right, even if you stand alone.