Ep 52 – Qs to reflect on when seeking external validation

Do you rely on approval from others to feel good about yourself? Unhealthy dependency on external validation can manifest as an inability to confront others, constantly changing personal views to be liked and accepted, or attaching self-worth to other’s opinions about yourself.

But when we trade our authenticity for approval we disconnect from our true selves and feel empty and hollow.

Did you know that 55 % of us attach our self-worth to what others think. When we place undue importance on other’s opinions or judgements rather than our own, we experience a constant emotional turmoil – a kind of restless unease. We are always anxious or stressed waiting for the verdict, if it’s positive, we start feeling restless because our minds immediately jump to what next we need to do to continue receiving such positive feedback, and if it’s negative, we spiral down into feelings of unworthiness, self-doubt, guilt, or shame.

If this you, it’s time to ask yourself:

1. What does external validation give me? Go deeper on this. When we seek validation we are seeking emotional comfort, to be liked, accepted, and in some cases also use this as a token of love.
2. Where is this need for validation coming from? As a child, we all leaned on external validation to survive and learn our ways in life. But many of us hold on to it even as an adult and it might come from some childhood wound that’s yet to be addressed. Explore that gently with some self-compassion.
3. Is there something else more opportune to rely on rather than this external or unreliable source? How about self-validation. Can you compassionately and objectively review your actions or maybe use your coach as a sounding board to identify what you did well and could do better?

Self-validation can look like a simple objective assessment of the current situation. Ask yourself how you are evaluating your current situation – are you in denial? Or are you exaggerating or minimising it in any way and identify the next steps?

4. Am I seeking validation from the right sources? We all do need inputs from outside of us time and again, the key is to use the right sources (read objective, non-manipulative, and trusted sources) along with your inner wisdom to make the right choice.

Remember, others cannot define who you are or decide what your actions signify. Only you hold that power. Be answerable to your own inner conscience and hold that in high regard.

Deep dive on these aspects the next time you catch yourself pining for validation and find answers within!