The One where Maya feels restless when she rests

Maya had a packed day and was geared for it after having three Red Bulls. But then something strange happened. Her meetings for the day got cancelled one after the other, and suddenly she had an empty calendar instead of the packed day she had envisaged.

Ideally given how tired she felt over the past few weeks, she should have seen this as a blessing and taken a slow day. To get up to speed on pending tasks and catch her breath.

Instead, she felt so restless. It was uneasy. After months and years of having overscheduled agendas, the empty calendar suddenly destabilised her. She could feel her mind race a mile a minute.

Am I losing my clients? Is this how my weeks are going to be from now on? Who am I if I’m not a busy hardworking professional?

Afraid she was losing her mind, she pulled out a fresh sheet of paper and penned down a new set of tasks she could engage herself with instead. She didn’t like the discomfort of an empty calendar and decided to start cracking on her list that would keep her busy for the next week, not just today.

All day long, she was relentless, checking things off the list, so much so that she felt more tired than she would have if she’d just had her usual busy and packed calendar.

As she started driving home, she reflected on the events of the day. She didn’t understand. First, the nervous breakdown when the calendar was empty. Second, the relentless doubts and insecurities that surfaced surprised her. Then the behaviour of overcompensating and taking on more than she needed to rather than allowing her day to be easy and think deeply.

She was glad she was meeting her friend, Rama, for dinner. She could use a sounding board to think this through. Rama was the opposite of Maya in every way. Maya is hyper-productive and constantly optimising her time while Rama likes to take things slow. Just seeing Rama’s smiling face and warm embrace made Maya feel better than she had all day.

They sat down and started talking. Eventually, Maya shared what was on her mind and how she ended up taking on more work just so she wouldn’t feel the vacuum of an empty calendar.

Rama nodded knowingly saying she’s been there and experienced it. That was the last thing Maya expected to hear from her.

Rama went on to share that there was a time in her life when she also overcompensated by doing more. “I ensured to fill my calendar up so I didn’t have to listen to my inner voice asking me questions I didn’t have answers to. It was easier to overwork than face doubt about whether I’m good enough or uncertainty about whether I’m on the right track or fear that I was running out of time to do things that matter most to me.”

Maya felt seen. That was all the things she experienced earlier that day and more. Eager to know more, she jumped in, “That’s exactly how I felt today. I noticed how my identity was attached to being busy, so much so that slowing down or resting felt like the hardest thing to do. Even though I knew I needed that today. How did you shift from feeling of restlessness when the pace is slow after years of overpacked calendars? Is there even a way out of this feeling?’

Rama laughed remembering those days. She replied compassionately, “There is – when we realise we are more than what we do. Our education, upbringing have all conditioned us to believe our identities are equivalent to our productivity. What we accomplish and how much we accomplish define our self-worth. Somewhere along the way, we started prioritising doing over being. So much so that now being scares us.”

Maya nodded agreeingly, “So true! Just the thought of allowing myself to be makes me scared. What if I lose my edge? What if I lose what makes me ‘me’? What if I become useless and unproductive?”

Rama nodded understanding Maya’s concerns. “Well, what I’m hearing you say is that somewhere along the line doing has become a measure of your worth, and rest is seen as being unproductive. But what if you looked at rest as not the opposite of productivity; but a part of it? Just like a deep breath fuels the next words we speak.”

Maya paused to contemplate. That is true, she did see rest as the opposite of productivity. She went on to share her reflections, “I never saw it that way, Rama. Maybe I can experiment to see if rest was an enabler rather than a detractor to productivity.”

Rama genuinely curious, asked her “What are somethings that you love doing but have been putting off because you feel it’s a waste of time Maya?”

Maya didn’t need to think for this one. “Well for starters, I used to love reading fiction. Somewhere growing up I limited myself only to reading self-help or work related books. Maybe I could pick up a good old thriller that is unputdownable and has nothing to do with my work”

Rama loved the sound of it and they agreed to connect over a call once Maya finishes reading a thriller.

Maya called 3 weeks later with palpable excitement. Even before Rama could say hello, Maya uttered,”I didn’t read one but 3 thrillers since our conversation Rama. The best part is when I go to bed after reading fiction, I sleep better and feel more energetic and productive the next day.”

We often see rest and work as opposites, binaries that are mutually exclusive. But what if there’s a deeper connection between the two where each feeds the other?

Some prompts that I reflect on when it comes to my notions of productivity and rest:

1. How intentionally do I make time for rest?
2. What activities or practices make me feel well-rested?
3. What are some activities that may not be so-called productive but fulfil me in other ways? How can I make more time to engage in them?