The one where Maya’s routines are a mess

It was another long Wednesday. One of those weeks that felt like an eternity. There were way too many fires at work that Maya had to address urgently. Couple that with the endless caregiving responsibilities at home, and she felt like she hadn’t caught her breath in ages.

She knew how the night would end. She’d binge-watch the same old sitcom and laugh at the same old jokes for half an hour or so while doom-scrolling until she fell asleep. Her routines had been a mess for a long time. So long that she now didn’t know how to get back on track.

Her only solace was that she was meeting her Coach, Tara, this Friday and she sincerely hoped the conversation would help her unlock some clarity on how she can get back to being her usual self. Friday evening couldn’t come sooner and Maya eagerly made her way to Tara’s office. She found her perfect spot on the couch and delved straight in.

Maya summarised how she’s been off-track from her routines for the last several months and how she’s not been able to make a change despite being aware that she’s wasting her time.

Tara sensed there was more to this than Maya shared. She gently probed, ‘how do you feel Maya when you binge-watch or doomscroll at the end of each day?’

Maya took a moment to gather her thoughts. “Honestly Tara, I feel so very guilty. I feel like am just letting myself go and the more I try to resist it, I feel like I end up doing it more. I stay up later at night watching when I know I’d be better off with some more sleep. But no matter how hard I try, am not able to break out of the pattern.”

Tara acknowledged the burden of guilt and gently enquired, “How long has this behaviour been happening Maya?”

Maya took her time to reflect and admitted sheepishly, ‘4 months, Tara. But it feels like it’s been going on for so long. I’ve forgotten what it feels like to pick up a book and read or practice my meditations.’

Tara gently asked her, ‘Am curious, what changed 4 months ago Maya? What triggered this shift in behaviours?’

Maya had been thinking about this for so long, but she hadn’t asked herself this. She contemplated for a while until the answer emerged. There was a very specific trigger, it was after her mother’s stroke. After her parents moved in with her in the city Maya had dual duties of work and caregiving. “I never connected the two Tara, but that was the last time I’d read a book. After that it’s been a whirlwind of check-ups and doctor visits when I’m not working that once the work is done I just wanted to put my feet up and do nothing.”

“That must have been hard, Maya. What did doing nothing give you during this stressful time in your life?”

Maya didn’t need to think for this one, “It gave me much needed respite Tara. After all the running around, this was my time. To breathe and simply be. To not be constantly worried. It was my way to decompress after long working hours and caregiving duties.”

Tara nodded understandingly, “Maya, what I’m hearing is that your contexts changed with the additional caregiving responsibilities and so did your actions. But somewhere it looks like the expectations from yourself has remained constant despite the change in season in your life.”

Maya felt seen. That was true. Contexts had changed and yet she was expecting to adhere to the same old routines she held when she had the luxury of time and mental bandwidth. “Well, Tara, when you put it like that it sounds unreasonable. You’re right! I didn’t realign my own expectations from myself. Somewhere I’ve been beating myself up thinking I’m not focusing and prioritising when in fact it was just a temporary digression to accommodate changing life circumstances.”

Tara paused to let that sink in before gently enquiring, “How is your mother doing now? Are your caregiving duties still taking up a significant portion of your time and mental bandwidth?”

“She’s getting better. My role is not as intense as it used to be, but there’s still new health challenges each day that require me to be present and attuned to ensure her recovery is smooth.”

Tara acknowledged the space Maya was in, and gently continued, “I’m glad she’s doing better. I hear you acknowledging that your caregiving duties aren’t as intense, but still very much present. Given this awareness, Maya, what do you think your routines should like in the current season of your life?”

Maya paused for a long time to evaluate her choices. “I think I need to be flexible, Tara, without feeling guilty. Some days when it’s hard maybe I give myself permission to binge-watch or doom scroll. On other days where I feel I have some energy left maybe I can pick up a breezy fiction read or simply sit in silence and observe my own thoughts and feelings. Maybe that’s what I need most in this phase of my life – choices. Not a rigid schedule or high standards of productivity, but kindness towards myself and freedom to choose based on what I need most in the moment.”

Tara mirrored the ease she saw in Maya’s body language and enquired, “What would the flexibility to choose open up for you Maya?”

With a big smile on her face, Maya responded, “I think it will allow me to be easy on myself till situations at the home front turn around. And, who knows, maybe in the next season of my life I’ll be even more productive than I used to be. All because I allowed myself the space and time to pause and regain my energy.”

We’ve all been there where Maya is, where the contexts of our lives have changed but our expectations of ourselves remained the same. Different seasons of our lives require us to realign our definitions of productivity. Rather than expecting us to follow mechanical routines no matter the circumstances around us, we need to permit ourselves to find our rhythm with the changing tunes of our lives.

Here are some prompts I reflected on as I penned down this story –

1. What does the current season of my life demand from me?
2. What do I need most to feel at ease in this phase of life?
3. What old productivity standards do I need to let go of to adapt to the current season of my life?