It was a sunny morning and Maya found herself running from one room to the other at home trying to gather everything she needed and get ready for yet another Monday. For some reason her sleep goes for a toss every Sunday night. The one day when she needs good quality sleep she never gets it. Monday mornings begin with reviews as early as 9 AM and falling asleep late always makes her sleep in and rush to work.
But today’s deed is done, she woke up late and is now scrambling to make it in time for her meetings. As she got into her car and dumped her stuff in the passenger seat, she finally had a minute to take a deep breath for the first time that morning. It lasted for less than 30 seconds because she turned on the maps and realised she better get going if she wants to beat traffic.
Driving always felt cathartic to Maya, the process is so mechanical that she mastered it long ago and now can do it effortlessly while she ruminates a million other things. Today, she noticed her mind was racing faster than a speeding bullet.
She was thinking about her numbers for the review meeting, the business had taken a turn for the worse and she’d be expected to offer explanations that she’s not convinced of yet. She’d been worried all weekend about this review which meant she was barely present with her family. She had a huge showdown last night with her husband and woke up feeling embarrassed she let her emotions get better of her. They didn’t even get time to patch up and she went on a spiral worrying about the future of her relationship.
A tiny track in her mind was also worrying about her last blood test reports the number of metrics that were off terrified her. So much so that she closed the report without reading it fully. She was scared that she took her body for granted way too long.
She saw a girl walking her dog on the footpath and felt a deep twinge of guilt. Her furry friend is growing older and she rarely gets to spend time with him amidst all her other chores. There was a time when the two of them were inseparable, but with deadlines at work and other commitments playing with her dog took a back seat. She immediately got anxious what if something happens to him and I’ll regret not spending time with him for the rest of my life.
The anxious thoughts in her mind kept spiraling downwards into a seemingly bottomless pit until a red signal came up suddenly forcing her to pull the vehicle to a stop and with that her swirling anxious thoughts in the head. For a moment all movement stopped physically and mentally and Maya realised this is the first time her mind was quiet without a thought since morning. And she laughed out loud like a crazy person alone in the car realising there the thoughts come once again.
But something about the forced stopping of the car and the racing thoughts in her mind made her more present. She looked around and realised she was in the part of town she had lived before when she moved in first to this city. She had some good times here. She had nothing going in her favour those days but at least she wasn’t anxious all the time. She remembered always feeling hopeful when she’d walk those streets to a cozy cafe to sit down and read. Fondly reminiscing she wondered when she lost all that hope and kept worrying about the worst possible outcome always?
The radio in her car suddenly started playing one of her all time favourite tracks by Savage Garden – Animal. The signal turned green and she started driving singing the song out loud in the car. As she came to the chorus she stopped singing and simply listened to the lyrics. She loved the tune so much she never quite paid attention to the words. But now she stopped to listen to the lyrics of the chorus:
I want to live like animals
Careless and free like animals
I want to live
I want to run through the jungle
The wind in my hair and the sand at my feet
I want to live careless and free like animals kept resounding in her ears. Cause she felt, “Hell yes! Thats exactly how I’d like to live, without a worry in my mind and wrinkles in my forehead. Wouldn’t that be a nice change? To stop being anxious and live carefree in this world.”
She continued to wonder, what made animals live so carefree? Their lives don’t come with any guarantee. The deer doesn’t know when the tiger would come out for a hunt but that doesn’t stop the deer from going out and grazing on the grass. Why am I so perennially afraid of what the future brings? Will I be fired tomorrow, will my relationships stand the test of time, will I have enough financial resources to secure my future? The list of things to be anxious about always feel endless.
The difference she realised is that animals don’t have forethought. They can’t predict what tomorrow brings so they live ever present with whatever is in their world in that moment. Humans have turned their gift of forethought into a curse by always assuming the worst case scenario. My review could go well too but I’m always anxious about it going bad and me losing my job.
Thinking it’s time for a change, she wondered aloud, what if this Monday goes exceptionally well. I have constructive discussions with my superiors on what I could do differently to help the business pick up, work with my team to put ideas into motion, and come back home to have a calm conversation with my husband on how we can navigate this conflict better. Wouldn’t that be awesome?! Before she knew it she’d turned right to enter her corporate park but instead of rushing through the corridors with a frown she walked unrushed with a smile on her face.
We’ve all been there where Maya is, where our anxieties get the better of us. A few questions that I ask myself when I catch my spirlaing anxious thoughts is
- How much of my anxieties are real and how many of them are pure imagination?
- What’s within my control to act upon rather than simply ruminate and overthink things?
- How would it be if I lived life with wonder about what’s to unfold rather than worry?
